Survivors of domestic violence are often made to think that the violence they experience is their fault. This can be done intentionally by the perpetrator or inadvertently by well-meaning friends and family. Either way, the message for the survivor is the same: they are responsible for the abuse they are experiencing.

As the term suggests, victim blaming is when the language blames the person who is experiencing the abuse instead of holding the person committing the abuse accountable. Victim blaming puts undue responsibility on the person who was harmed, when in reality violence can happen regardless of the victim’s choices.

When people ask questions like “Why don’t you just leave?” or excuse the abuser’s behavior with phrases like “I’m sure they didn’t mean it,” can minimize the survivor’s experiences and shame them for staying. Even when said with good intentions, comments like these reinforce harmful myths about abuse and can keep survivors from receiving the care and support they need.

How Victim Blaming Impacts Survivors

Victim blaming can cause serious harm and psychological impact. Blaming and shaming survivors for the abuse they’ve endured invalidates their experience and excuses the behavior of the individual who caused harm.

The effects can be heavy and long lasting. Victim blaming can:

• Increased self-doubt. Survivors may begin to believe they are responsible for the abuse and that they deserve to be treated this way.
• A deepening of isolation and hopelessness. If survivors fear they won’t be believed or supported, they may stop reaching out altogether.
• Discouragement with seeking help. When blame is placed on the survivor, they may feel ashamed or judged if they share again.

Experiences of domestic violence are layered and complex.  Survivors are navigating a volatile situation that they know far more about than we ever will. We should trust their expertise on the situation and affirm their reality, rather than question or undermine it.

How to Support Survivors

The words we choose can either harm or heal. Supportive language communicates safety, compassion, and belief. These statements send a powerful message: you are believed, you are not to blame, and you deserve support.

Through word choice, we can affirm their strength and offer our presence. Small shifts in language can help a survivor feel less alone and more empowered to take the next step that feels right for them.

• Listen, believe, and validate. Give them space to share without interruption or judgment.
• Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. Remind them that the responsibility lies with the person causing harm, not the one harmed.
• Provide support. Ask how they would like to be supported and follow their lead.

It can be difficult to know how to respond when we hear a story of harm. Leaning on some of these supportive and validating phrases can give us language to utilize during hard conversations.

• I believe you.
• I am so sorry this is happening to you.
• Thank you for sharing this.
• I don’t even know what to say right now, but I am so glad you told me.
• You don’t deserve this.
• Thank you for telling me.
• It’s not your fault.
• You are not alone.
• You get to choose what you do next.

We can all work to improve how we respond and support survivors. By recognizing how our words matter, choosing supportive language, and refusing to shift blame onto survivors, we can create space for connection, safety, and healing.

Every conversation is an opportunity to show care and solidarity. By listening, believing, and validating, we can replace shame with support and remind survivors that they are not alone. Together we can cultivate a community where survivors feel seen, believed, and empowered.

YWCA Spokane Is Here For You

If you or someone you know is impacted by intimate partner domestic violence, know that confidential advocates are always available through our 24hr helpline services by calling 509-326-2255, emailing ヘルプ@ywcaspokane.org, or texting 509-220-3725.

About our Helpline

October is Domestic Violence Action Month

This October, during Domestic Violence Action Month (DVAM), honor survivors, remember lives lost, and strengthen our collective commitment to end intimate partner violence in Spokane.

Learn more about what you can do to make a difference this October.

About DVAM